No Free Steps To Heaven
by Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory
Summary: Aya, Ken, Youji, and Omi travel to the great beyond, where they will either be sorted to heaven or hell, meeting Schwarts on the way for really no reason.


Yay! A new category to put in my profile. Though I have written a bunch of fics for different shows, this is my first Weiss Kreuz attempt. No worries, though. I promise it won't be a total waste of your time.... wait, I lied. It, actually, probably will. That's pretty much the function of all fanfiction, and not much of it is written well (my own included). Now then, I don't own anything, taking care of the disclaimer stuff. Yeah, I knew that would make your day.

How it had happened, no one really knew. After the final show down with Schwarts in the whole Essett finale (you know, the last episode of the Knight Hunters version), Aya and the rest found themselves underwater, and unable to breathe. Yes, that is why you should take an oxygen tank with you at all times. Anyway, they were gonna get to the surface, but complications came underway. A large shark that was passing through saw Omi making his way upward, and decided that a Japanese boy would be tastier than your average polution anyday, and then it ate him. This startled Ken, who swam away from the shark vigorously, only to get caught in an old net that had dropped from a boat and was strangled. Aya, getting caught under some of the falling debris, fell into a large, black abyss, and immediately died once he landed in a bed belonging to a disgruntled family of electric eels. As for Youji, he almost made it to the surface, but then he noticed a mermaid chick at the bottom of the ocean, and he realized that he didn't have her number yet, so in making an effort to shack up for his under the sea love bunny, he suffocated. And so the boys of Weiss met their ends (the second part of the series, Gluhen, along with the CD's are to be ignored at this time).

Now then, in the in-between section where souls are sorted to go to heaven or to hell (possibly Purgatory if your Catholic), or to be reincarnated (for all the people who believe in that), Aya, Omi, Ken, and Youji found themselves in this strange limbo-like place, minus the horizontal pole and the dancing, trying to make out what it was.

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Youji: This place sucks, man! There's no babilicious beauties to aid.

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Ken: I got a girl once... then she flew off to down under.

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Youji: Then you should be happy for her that she made it to Australia.

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Ken: Oh no. She was trying to get to Australia, but then her plane crashed, so she went to hell.

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Youji: What for?

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Ken: I dunno. Maybe they got her mixed up with Martha Stewart.

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Aya: Don't. Ever. Talk. Badly. About. Martha. Stewart.

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Ken and Youji: Huh?

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Omi: Guys! Don't you remember?! Aya's had a crush on Martha Stewart ever since our third mission together.

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Ken: Oh yeah... I thought that it was just Aya attempting to be humourous.

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Aya: I am never humourous.

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Omi: From what I can gather about this place, we're in some kind of limbo.

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Aya: I don't like limbo.

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Omi: I don't mean the colourful, dancing limbo that makes you happy. It's the depressing, you're stuck here til you're judged type.

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Aya: Oh. That's fine.

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Voice: If you ever want to leave this place, then I suggest you guys take a number.

Aya, Ken, Youji, and Omi all turned around to see the owner of the familiar voice, which seemed to be the well known Brad Crawford, backed up by the rest of Schwarts.

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Aya: Why are you here?!

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Crawford: Choked on sea water and gravel.

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Nagi: Crushed by the structure.

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Farfarello: Playing with knives.

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Schuldig: Suffocated while chasing a chick with a tail.

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Youji: You too man?

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Schuldig: Ya know it.

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Aya: Yes, but WHY are you here?

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Crawford: Dude, like, we died. All dead people go here. Didn't you read the sign at the entrance?

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Aya: What's a 'dude'? Is it a weapon, or something sorrowful?

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Crawford: Oh, no, sorry. It's an American term.

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Nagi: You're American? You look more Japanese than us Japanese people!

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Crawford: Go figure that the American would be the only one with black hair and brown eyes.

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Omi: It's because that land is filled with many races and ethnicities.

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Crawdford: Yeah, but Japan isn't. What's you're excuse, oh great supposed to be asian one?

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Omi: Um.... testube?

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Schuldig: Hey, who cares about that. At least the rest of you have a first and a last name. I only got one.

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Farfarello: Hey, me too!

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Schuldig: Nuh uh. You've got the name Jei.

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Farfarello: Yeah. Jei what?!

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Schuldig: Okay, fine. You've got two names of a different set, which is more than me.

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Farfarello: Oh.... Hah! LOSER!!!

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Aya: People with less than two names are worthless.

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Schuldig: Hey you! Don't make me do something to make you happy!

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Aya: I will not be happy, I will not be happy, I will not be happy. [keeps chanting]

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Omi: Okay, we got our numbers. Now all we gotta do is wait.

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Ken: So, which method are we using?

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Omi: Well, originally, I was thinking the whole reincarnation line, cuz that one's usually a bit shorter in process, but it seems to be jammed, so we're gonna go for the whole 'heaven' and 'hell' idea. We'll probably be up in a good hour or so.

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Crawford: Well, then while we're all waiting... what's this about Martha Stewart?

At hearing this, Aya twitched. He did not like the thought of sharing his most intimate secrets with his archrivals, and planned not to do so, but he'll now be having a major flash back, so that you, the audience, will know of his pain and suffering.

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Back at their third mission together...

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Omi: C'mon guys! We gotta find the owner of this pawn shop and kill him, or else he'll continue to cheat everybody on his stolen Rolex watches!

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Aya: looks at a turned on TV What the?!

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Youji: Oh no! It's Martha Stewart and how to put a cloth on a table!!

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Ken: Aya! Shield your eyes!

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Aya: She makes me feel so full of unhappiness, as if I could never smile again... I think... I love her.

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Youji,Ken,Omi: AYA! NOOOOOOO!!!!

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End flashback

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Nagi: Why is he staring off into space and drooling?

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Ken: He's probably in the middle of a flashback so that everyone will know what happened.

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Nagi: Ah.

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Omi: I don't understand why he could ever have such feelings for that woman.

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Farfarello: You probably couldn't understand why someone could have feelings for any woman.

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Omi: Are you trying hint at something?

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Crawford: What? That you're as straight as a rainbow?

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Omi: I am too straight! I had a thing for Ouka!

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Youji: Um, Omi, little buddy, I never wanted to be the one to tell you this, but Ouka was a man.

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Omi: No she wasn't! She had tits!

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Schuldig: She had her shirt stuffed...

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Omi: NO! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!

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Schuldig: ...with tissue paper.

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Omi: SHUT UP!

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Ken: Don't worry, Omi. I'm sure it was expensive tissue paper and-

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Omi: They weren't tissue! They were REAL!!

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Ken: You touched 'em to make sure?

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Omi: Ew! That's gross! Why would I want to touch a girl's boobs?.... ah shit, I'm queer...

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Youji: [takes five steps away from Omi]

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Aya: [takes five steps toward Omi]

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Crawford: Hey! I thought you said you liked Martha!

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Aya: I do, but being caught for molesting underage children will make me very unhappy. [stares at Omi pervertedly]

Yeah, after that stuff happened, but I don't know what cuz I realized that this is very dumb, and not worth continuing, so the end of the story can be left up to your imaginations. I know, my crappiest fic yet.


End file.
